


But I Have Found My Humanity

by g4t1t0



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: During Canon, M/M, Not Beta Read, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-18 00:31:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7292365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/g4t1t0/pseuds/g4t1t0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bit before, and during the events of The Force Awakens.</p>
<p>Kylo Ren sees himself as a monster, a tool only for Supreme Leader Snoke's use. This isn't about him changing entirely, but learning something important about himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But I Have Found My Humanity

**Author's Note:**

> my fics keep getting longer and im pretty excited about that!!! this took abt three weeks to finish as i was travelling a lot the past month. but i hope it's good enough for you guys! please enjoy and if you have time comment if you liked it?  
> talk to me abt kylux @ http://h3rm4n0.tumblr.com/ if u want!!

It's as if every victory in his life is crushed and buried. Self doubt was never his enemy, his efficiency never came into question in his own mind. He moves surely in battle, kills mercilessly, moves on. Kylo Ren is a weapon, a wild animal, a monster.

An ugly, horrifying monster.

The helmet was a nice touch- Initially to hide his identity, to create a visage of terror. After some time it became a safety blanket. Kylo never had to look at his face again. The mask was his new face. His imperfections, replaced by cool metal. Impersonal. Perfect. Looming.

He hates what's underneath his robes, under his wraps, under every layer of black he uses to hide his shape and his skin. There's no reason to it, none that he can find. At times it makes him feel weak, like this self loathing is controlling his mind, pushing him far out of his own autonomy. For the most part, he harnesses that self hatred, tries to turn it into something red-hot, sharp, and burning. Another weapon spawning from his own miserable cesspool. 

What else should he see himself as? He is a tool, a killer, not a work of art. Why should it worry him so much? The searing and growling anger, horror, that permeates his head when he has to look in the mirror.

The reflection angers him just as much as his causeless disgust does.

During his life as Kylo, as the lord of the Knights of Ren, he has always been looked at with fear. Fear, disgust, rage. Seldom would he earn the approving glare from Supreme Leader Snoke, but when he did, he would feel something well in his broad chest- Pride? Acceptance? He is still left wanting, wanting something he could never find. 

Something he could swear he once felt. It's a ghost of a feeling: Dull, cold, but a clear outline.

A ghost, just that. Dead, long gone. Speared through the heart.

The thought always makes him shiver, makes him tremble with success, or regret.

Of course he's a monster. Only monsters are capable of what he's done, and he's proud of it... Should be proud of it.

 

General Hux has a habit, and a rather fruitless one at that. Even with the First Order appointed holopads and other technologies, he still finds himself idly doodling while he should be working.

Normally an attentive man, Hux is embarrassed of his habit. He has lost hours a day to completing on model drawings of ships and uncanny portraits of other members of the Order. It's not even as if this is something he's done since childhood- His father looked down on artistic endeavors and Hux never saw anything wrong with that. He never had interest in doing much else than reading ad learning about his surroundings. 

Once he graduated academy, though, he found himself scratching out crudely drawn observations on blank space of paper books. At first he told himself it was all the spare time he had. He was no longer studying or training like he was in academy. As his work picked up, though, and he began climbing ranks to general, he realized it wasn't spare time at all. It was a hobby.

Not the worst thing to catch, but inconvenient nonetheless.

He's working on a sketch of one of his lieutenants when he's interrupted by a message on his holopad. He rolls his eyes but opens it anyways. It's late in the day cycle but he's still got responsibilities, and if someone's ruined something while he's off duty, he'll still manage to take the blame.

He opens the message and scans it. Nothing too interesting to start out with- apologies, mention of late data reports, nothing he's too concerned with.

He gets to the end of the message and lets out a drawn out sigh. This is news he certainly wasn't anticipating.

It's actually news he was hoping would take a bit longer to come to him. With a drawn out sigh, he pulls on his greatcoat and heads for the landing bay, but not before tossing back a painkiller with a lick of scotch.

 

When the shuttle lands, Kylo takes great care formulating his plan of escape. Cut through the troopers, shortcut down the normally unoccupied tunnels near the mess hall, into the heart of the base, and into Snoke's communing chamber. He repeats the plan several time in his head, vividly mapping out every step and action during the way. When the ramp drops, Kylo balls his fists up and marches down, confidently striding through the middle of two rows of troopers. He climbs the ramp up past the control booth, hoping to successfully pass without incident. 

Incident, however, quickly falls in stride with a sharp yip and snarl.

“Given the lack of word and your obvious pitiful demeanor, I'll take it no fabled map to Skywalker was recovered.” Hux walks purposefully with his arms folded behind his back.

Kylo does all he can to maintain his urge to sink his teeth right into Hux's jugular. He opts for a verbal response, possibly the nicest he can muster. 

“General, how kind of you to greet me.” The statement is irritated, biting, but the true intent is hidden by his vocoder. “I trust the past month has found you well.”

“Very well indeed, Ren. So well in fact, I almost had forgotten entirely about you and your... search. Which begs the question- Where were the daily reports required of you and your team?” Hux scowls, is clearly upset, which in itself doesn't phase Ren.

What he's hit by is the realization that he didn't file any reports to the base for his entire absence. He didn't even think to catalog the resources used, let alone report them.

Idiot, he curses himself.

Kylo is quick on his feet, however, and responds with certainty and a palpable bite in his disguised voice.

“If the events so interested you, General, you surely could have contacted us. The shuttle records coordinates and fuel usage. Anything else should be of no importance to the Order, or you.” 

“Anything else?” Hux sneers. “What of casualties? Any sight of possible forming military groups? What about resource stakes?”

“Enough!” Kylo barks and stops in his tracks, turning to look right into Hux's eyes. He searches for fear, though he knows he won't find it, not from Hux. “My mission was not to pursue your interests but the interests of Supreme Leader Snoke.”

The air is tense, though the two are alone in the hall leading back into the heart of the base, so no one is there to sense it. Although it's only it's only seconds, what feels like minutes pass as the two stare each other down. Kylo feels another urge to tear into the man in front of him. Hux simply feels the desire to kill Kylo.

“Am I dismissed, General?” Kylo clenches and releases his fists, trying to reel in his anger. Not now, not on him.

Hux glares into Kylo's visor another second, thinks he could break it with his fist if he tried really hard, shatter it and expose the disfigurement he is sure is hiding under that helmet.

Instead he nods, curtly, and turns on his heel, not wanting to waste anymore energy on this lumbering manchild.

Kylo watches him until he's out of sight. 

Kylo feels a pang of jealousy that, even as the general's face is contorted and pink, he is still a far more beautiful monster than himself.

He shakes the thought out of his head and continues his journey to Snoke's chamber.

 

Hux tosses back his drink, grumbling to himself, flat out talking to himself. 

“Another fucking mission,” he says, “Another fucking mindless game of chase.”

It shouldn't bother him. It shouldn't grate on his nerves like it does. Still, those are his troops, his ships, his everything. All going to a fruitless venture, he's sure.

If the Outer Rim held no information on Skywalker's whereabouts, why would a shithole backwater planet like Jakku be the next primary target? The thought nags in his head, gives him a headache.

He pours himself another finger, this time trying to bring himself down. There's a reason for all of this, there must be. Perhaps this truly was a reliable lead. Perhaps Snoke is testing his loyalties.

Though, if he's testing anything, Hux is sure it's simply his patience. 

He inhales deeply, tries to calm himself. It's too close to bedtime to be feeling this wound up. And yet.

He settles in his chair, leans back and closes his eyes. The low groans and hums of the base around him bring him some comfort. The thought of this beautiful instrument he's created helps lower his stress even more. 

“It's just a game of chase,” He repeats, but this time to assure himself. “Troops are replaceable. Everything is replaceable.” With a stern nod, he drinks from his glass and finds himself finally settling down from earlier events.

 

Things are looking up for Hux, though is a worm eating through his brain.

The worm is Kylo Ren, unsurprisingly, but what has truly gotten to him is the meeting with Snoke he just left. 

For some time, Hux has hypothesized on what was under Ren's helmet. Something hideous, of course. Something monstrous and unsightly. He assumed this of all the Knight of Ren, naturally.

Eventually he concluded that Ren was something similar to Snoke, humanoid, but wrinkled, disfigured. As soon as he made his decision, his curiosity lessened, though he still scribbled out what his exact face might look like. It always differed, really.

But it was never close what he actually sees, standing next to him. He doesn't get much more than a quick glance, but what he sees is more disturbing than he really expected.

Kylo is young, maybe younger than himself, and he's... 

He's human, and painfully so. His expressions betray the icy and brooding facade he has built for himself, for the name Kylo Ren. The structure of his face is sharp, but his emotions are so clear on his face: soft, intense.

He's beautiful, Hux thinks briefly. 

Before he has time to reprimand himself for the foolish thought, he's leaving Snoke's chamber, and his brain has moved onto the weapon, though Kylo is still gnawing in the back of his brain.

 

The weapon is a success, to an extent.

No, the weapon is a total success and Hux has done well. Kylo has the girl he's been after, secured in his ship. He can retrieve the image from her mind, find Skywalker. Everything is developing in his favor, in the favor of the Order, and the favor of Supreme Leader Snoke.

What has Kylo on edge isn't the success. It's the failure, the room for failure. It's always the room for failure.

It's the look Hux gave him when he saw his bare face. A look he shot at Ren's mask before, so why shouldn't he expect it now? The hostile, cold glower coming from Hux should be easy to deflect, but without the mask, he absorbs the intent, hears it in Hux's mind, loud as if he was broadcasting the thought directly to Ren himself.

Ugly.

Monster.

It shouldn't matter to him. Shouldn't make a difference if one small, weak man thinks something so shallow about his appearance. It shouldn't affect him, but it does, and for some reason it hurts.

Though his actions display confidence as he exits his shuttle once more, he can't help but linger on Hux's reaction. 

Feed on it, he reminds himself. Feed on that feeling and grow stronger because of it.

 

Exposing himself again is a mistake, especially to the scavenger girl.

If the look Hux gave him was harsh, her eyes are exceptionally hostile. He was a monster to her before exposing his face, and after a small reach into her brain, he feels even stronger animosity from inside of her.

The disgust towards him grows the longer he's near here, the more he pushes into her mind, until at one part, she pushes back. 

He stumbles, is infuriated and embarrassed. 

He feels an animosity towards himself, too, he supposes.

 

Hux is shouting through the snow, trying to find Kylo. When he finally does, he's only slightly shocked by the state he's in.

Kylo is clearly struggling, trying to stay lucid, though his head keeps dropping into the snow. There is a trail behind him, a cut in the snow stained with fresh blood and dirt. Hux approaches him, kneels next to his ruined lump of a body.

The right side of his face is wounded and his eye is swollen shut. Though no other injuries are visible, he assumes this isn't the worst of it. The thought is almost enough to concern Hux, but he has no time for that.

It's obvious Kylo can't walk, or else he wouldn't be dragging his body through the snow, so Hux doesn't pull him up. It's also clear to him that Kylo is far too heavy to be picked up and carried, and would rather not run the risk of dropping him and further hurting him.

Resentfully, he tugs off his greatcoat and throws it on the ground. He helps a groaning Kylo roll onto it and begins the trek back towards the ship bay, dragging Kylo behind him.

 

Kylo wakes with a start, sits up immediately and howls. His body is on fire and he feels a stiffness, a tearing on his face and in his stomach. In a frenzy, he claws at the pain on his side and looks down to see it bandaged up.

The memory hits him hard, leaves his body shivering.

Dead, dead, I should be dead.

Failure. Loser. Mistake. Monster.

He reaches up to his face, feels a bandage covering half of it, as well as his eye covered up. He's not wearing his helmet, and with a fear in his heart, he scans the room. No one can see him like this.

The infirmary is mostly empty, save for the medic droid that comes whirring towards him. He musters all the disdain possible, but it only shows as pain on his face. The droid registers the look and the voice comes to life in a grainy, electric sound that almost brings Kylo some comfort.

“You are in pain, Lord Kylo Ren. I will return momentarily with pain medication and water.” It chirps and rolls away.

Kylo tries to say something, tries to curse it, ask it, thank it. Words fail him and he lays back down, closes his eyes and replays his paramount failure in his head.

I should be dead.

 

Much to Kylo's disdain, General Hux visits him daily, at first telling Ren it's just his duty, his responsibility, given to him by Supreme Leader.

“I don't need to be babysat, general.” Kylo spits.

“Whether you do or don't is not your decision, Ren. Besides, you displayed such childish behavior and poor judgment that it's obvious you do need a babysitter.” He scowls and shakes his head.

Kylo knows he's trying to look disgusted, but something under the general's skin is... tender, shaking, worried.

It's a thought he pushes away. The possibility of Hux feeling worried is foolish, but it's undeniable. Against his better judgment, Kylo decides to ask.

“What are you worried about, General?” He croaks and sits up.

“Obviously that you'll run off nd get yourself killed, endangering our entire operation.” He rolls his eyes, and huffs.

“No,” Ren lowers his gaze, grips and ungrips his hands. “I feel something else. Something is wrong.” He shivers a bit, the feelings under Hux's skin running cold.

Unexpectedly, Hux answers truthfully.

“Ren,” He pauses, seems to think. “Kylo Ren. I feel sorry for you.”

If it was meant to be offensive, meant to be an attack on Kylo's capabilities, he doesn't perceive it as such. It's something else, something that sits heavy in his stomach.

The air is heavy and the room is quiet, save for the low humming of the ship and the buzz of the fluorescent lights.

How can you pity such a horrific beast?

 

Days pass and Hux continues to visit every day, sometimes twice. Kylo is sleeping most of the time, so to keep himself busy, he brings paper and a pen. He draws out the room, pays special attention to details such as machinery, medical tools. With a light hand he fills in shadows and tries to emulate the harsh lighting of the environment.

He draws Kylo.

It takes a few times to really get it down. There's an intensity, even as the knight's face is seemingly at rest. Hux adds every birthmark, every freckle, carefully. He lets the pen fill in the deep blackness of Kylo's matted hair, blocks in the deep shadows of his face. Even with his eyes closed, Hux can sense that fire and struggles to capture it in black and white.

On the fifth day, he's confident enough to draw Kylo from memory, thought he finds himself going back to the infirmary to continue his studies.

 

Kylo has been awake for some time, though it's obvious General Hux hasn't noticed. He hasn't tried to push that far into his head this time- it's obvious, due to his pointed concentration, that he's examining reports, filling out forms. General stuff.

He finally opens his eyes and looks at his bedside guest. He stares for a while and says nothing.

“Catching up on your beauty sleep?” Hux mocks.

Kylo actually smirks, though Hux catches a momentary pain in his face.

“You're looking well. I hear your recovery is abnormally fast, you'll be on your feet in no time.” 

“The force is a healing power, General.” Kylo nods and looks up at the ceiling.

With a roll of his eyes, Hux clearly dismisses the force nonsense and goes back to his report. His eyes flick to Kylo then back to his paper. “Regardless, Snoke will be please to have you in his domain, finally.”

“As I will be please to be in his presence.” His voice is heavy and it's obvious he's still tired. “General, I'm aware you're not one for favors, but would you mind grabbing the painkillers from that desk?” 

Hux nods curtly and stands up, leaving his files on his chair. He crosses the room and grabs the bottle along with a cup of water. He turns to see Kylo holding his papers. 

Kylo's face looks upset, angry, actually. His mouth is twisted into a disgusted scowl, and he's shaking, only slightly.

“What is it? You don't appreciate the art of portraiture?” Hux frowns and stands before the bed.

“This.” Kylo displays the portraits of him sleeping. “This is me?” He sounds... offended? 

“Well, yes. I needed to find something to occupy my time while you,” He's interrupted by Kylo's barking voice.

“Why would you do this? Is this, is this a joke? Why do I look like this in these drawings?” He tenses up, looks through the other sketches of himself. The pain on his face growing, tears welling in his eyes.

“Excuse me?” Hux doesn't follow, and even finds it impossible to as Kylo is running way too fast for him to keep up. “Look like what?”

“Like... Like...” He bites back a sob, but it's useless.

He drops the drawing on Hux's seat once more and pulls his knees to his chest. Resting his head on his knees, he silently cries. 

“Excuse, me, General, I meant no offense to your art.” He holds out his hand for the medicine, then swallows it dry.

“Please explain to me, Ren.” Hux's expression is stern, concerned. “What did I make you look like?”

It feels like years pass with Kylo only softly panting and swallowing down cries, until he responds.

“Like a human.”

 

A few more days have passed, and as if by miracle (neither General Hux nor Kylo Ren believe in those), Kylo is almost entirely recovered. His wounds and eye are still bandaged up, but he is walking and even training on his own.

Hux hasn't shared many words with the other man since the incident in the infirmary. The words he has spared, he made sure to blueprint, practice, and design.

He tells Kylo he isn't sorry for him anymore. He is impressed. 

He tells Kylo he isn't a monster, not in the way he thinks. Just a victim of circumstance, “as we all are”.

He tells Kylo, though a bit begrudgingly, that he is pleased to know him. Though he is a pain in the ass and a nightmare to work with.

Kylo has shared even fewer words, though Hux is sure it's better that way. 

He does, however, ask the general for one of the drawings. Hux agrees.

 

It's approaching Kylo's last hour, last moment on the ship. Hux is at his desk, scribbling furiously among a small pile of crinkled up papers.

Not often is Hux so unimpressed by his own abilities, but it is now in particular he is struggling. 

Finally he rests his head on the table and lets out a long, drawn out sigh. He owes the knight nothing. Not a drawing, not even a goodbye.

Yet, he can't purge the clear memories of Kylo, he can't block out the obvious pull to him he feels. It would be wrong to let him leave without a word, wouldn't it?

He flips through his memories, meeting Kylo for the first time, developing a monumental hate towards him, developing something far softer, far more human for him. He feels the power from his presence in memory alone, sees the fire in Kylo's eyes.

Without another though, he picks up his pen again and starts another portrait.

 

Kylo is in the ship bay, standing as the last check on his shuttle are completed. He anticipates the journey to Snoke, yearns for the training he has been so desperately dreaming of.

There is something in his mind, though. Something he tries to push away, something he likens to weakness. This would only get in the way of his training.

He gets the okay to board the ship, nods to the droid who was working on it, and looks back to those commanding the bay. He looks among them, giving one last glance in hopes of seeing the general. Of course, he isn't there. With a nod to the bay supervisors, he turns to climb the ramp up to his shuttle. 

“Ren!” He hears a voice shout from behind him.

He bites his cheek to keep himself from smiling as he looks over his shoulder, and sees him.

Hux ceremoniously marches to him, carries himself so surely, so confidently. He stops in front of Ren and nods. 

“Forgive me for not arriving earlier, I was a bit caught up in business.” Hux looks directly at Kylo.

“General, I was not expecting your presence at all.” 

“Well, I figured I'd come to see you off.” Hux pauses, looks down and reaches into his pocket. “I have something for you aw well.” He holds out a folded piece of paper towards Kylo.

“Ren... Kylo.” He chooses his words carefully, “May you never truly forget your humanity.”

Kylo holds the folded up paper and allows himself to smile at the general.

“General, you are...” Ren chooses his words just as carefully, though he struggles. “You have done something great for the Order.” For me.

Hux must understand, because he permits himself a small smile and nods. He reaches to grip Kylo's hand in a handshake. 

“As have you, Lord Ren. I hope the journey is safe for you.”

Kylo wants to say more, wants to do more, but he doesn't. He shakes Hux's hand, nods, and turns.

As he boards the shuttle and the ramp closes, he looks one last time to see Hux. Neither of them wave or smile. They simply stare at each other momentarily, then Kylo is in the pilot's seat, then Kylo is gone.

 

The trip to Snoke is short, though it offers a small time for reflection. 

Kylo unfolds the paper, stares at the image scratched onto it in black.

In it he sees the human Hux saw in him, sees the fire, sees the beauty.

If there was anything more to the last two weeks, Kylo isn't entirely sure, doesn't even know if it matters.

He folds the drawing back up, holds it against his chest.

I am a monster.

An ugly, horrifying monster.

But I have found my humanity.

**Author's Note:**

> drew some insp from some personal struggles but i hope it isnt super obvious!!!  
> and yes ren loses an eye  
> i hope everyone enjoys and i am so thankful for you reading!!  
> any comments you dont leave here you can send them to me a my tumblr http://h3rm4n0.tumblr.com/   
> thank you again i really appreciate you for reading!!


End file.
